Do They Know It’s Christmas?

So, it’s Christmas Eve. Well, to be more precise, it is 1:30 am on Christmas morning, and I cannot sleep. NO surprise there- I doubt anyone can sleep all the way through Christmas night. However, my sleep deprivation is not due to JOlly Saint Nick, or the lure of shiny presents under the tree, or just the overall excitement of yuletide spirit. It’s more the silence that keeps me from my bed.

CHristmas, in my family, has always been a jovial affair. I am the oldest of 17 cousins on one side (and that’s not even getting into my mom’s cousins), and the third youngest of 10 on my father’s side (not counting my cousin’s children). So, needless to say, the holidays involve a lot of noise and A LOT of food. And I love every second of it! BUt this year, when my parents decided we were having a small Christmas at home with just the four of us- me, my sister, Mom and Dad- I wasn’t quite sure what to think. A quiet Christmas just doesn’t sound normal to me.

In truth, thus far it has been very strange. There hasn’t been a single temper-tantrum, diaper change, wine spill, spaghetti splatter, or injury all week. The house is completely silent as I sit here by the tree: no crying, or laughing, or snoring. Just quiet stillness.

This is not what Christmas is supposed to be! Where are the endless games of hide-and-seek, the last minute runs to Walmart for more baby formula, the hordes of youngsters getting in the way of every step? Not here, that’s for sure!

As much as I’d like to blame my lack of cheer on the lack of chaos, I’m not entirely sure that’s the only reason I’ve been feeling… out of touch with Christmas. It would seem that my days of merrymaking are gone. I no longer see Christmas as the holiday around which my entire world revolves. The season, which was once so familiar and joyful to me, hardly even brings a change of pace. The day comes and goes, and with it my sense of innocence and naivety.

INstead of accepting the traditions required in such festivities, I find myself questioning them with a rather detached interest in any answer I might get. I start sounding like freaking Cindy Lou Who, for goodness’ sake! “Where are you Christmas? Why can’t I find you?” Is Christmas changing, or am I changing?

Bahumbug! I just can’t wrap my head around the idea anymore. I get the religious aspect,and to me that is still the most important part. But the gifts, and the fuss, and the caroling since Thanksgiving- it all just gets to be too much sometimes. It’s like the celebration gets dragged out for so long, that when the time actually comes I am too worn out to truly appreciate it.

With my Christmas-Meter down to a minimum, and my enthusiasm about to hit the floor, I stare into the lights and try to remember Christmases past. Like the time me and my cousins sat up all night, hoping to hear Santa drop off the presents (I still swear I heard jingling bells once or twice), and the time my uncle ate all the cookies before we had gone to bed. Then CHristmas meant excitement, innocence, and happiness. THe idea that nothing could wrong.

I think on to Christmases in my future. Coming home from college, from my job, and finally with my own family. I think of more stories to tell, and more people to tell those stories to. I think of nights that haven’t happened yet, and mornings that are only dreamed of. Christmases that I can share with those I already love, and those I will come to love eventually. All of this potential for happiness. This… hope for another happy memory, and another treasured tradition. Maybe hope is what Christmas is all about. Hope in humanity, hope in love, hope in a better future for everyone.

I’m not entirely sure if this is the answer to my questions, but I don’t think I really need a full-blown answer. Christmas is more than a specific date on the calendar- CHristmas is a mindset. One filled with wishes that come true, dreams that will one day be fulfilled, and the knowledge that we have many more Christmases to come.

So maybe the silence isn’t all so bad. I find that in the silence, it is much easier to hear what I might have missed otherwise.

Time for a Change

Since I started this blog, I’ve changed quite a bit. More than a bit, actually. But its time for a change. It’s time for me to turn the focus outward. I’m starting a new blog, and will no longer be writing in this one. It’ll still be here, for my own reference, but also for anyone else who wants to read what’s already on here. Once my new blog is up and running, I will post the address. THanks to everyone who followed me (all three of you)! Enjoy more thoughts of Caitlyn to come in the very near future.

Challenge Number Two

Well, it’s November, and I think I can safely say I completed the challenge…  sort of. The only thing I haven’t done is watch Breakfast at Tiffany’s- but that’s mainly because I can’t find it anywhere. I haven’t done the garden, either, but considering that it is the middle of fall, I think I may put that one on hold for a later date. So… I’m not really sure how I feel right now. At the beginning, I was definitely motivated and excited about these tasks, but now that I’m done I don’t exactly feel accomplished. Alright, I will admit it, a lot of the stuff a sort of half-assed. Mainly because I couldn’t possibly do it all the way (remodeling the bathroom by myself was fairly unrealistic, as was finding the time to sit down and learn my mother’s song). However, some of the things I just plain whimped out on (I didn’t even sign up to try out for the play). Getting my driving lessons done was certainly something I needed to do, and having it on the list did help motivate me, but that was the only true success, with no strings attached.

I’ve been thinking about another method instead. For those literary/history buffs out there, many of you may have heard of Benjamin Franklin. In his autobiography, Franklin explains how he came up with thirteen virtues that he felt he needed to work on. These were listed in a specific order, with the virtues building upon each other. I really like this idea, and I think I know a perfect way to work on these. So, here are the virtues which I find most important (to myself, at this time):

1. Acceptance/appreciation: AKA not complaining! This is something I do far too often. Not only does it probably annoy other people, but I even annoy myself with all of that whining.

2. Organization: You may have noticed already, but I am completely disorganized! I am a complete mess sometimes when it comes to keeping documents straight, and planning things out in advance.

3. Cleanliness: I am not talking about personal hygiene here, but rather cleanliness when it comes to my stuff. My room is constantly a mess, as is my bathroom, closet, kitchen, everything! I realize that this could go under organization, but I feel that it is important enough that it deserves it’s own category.

4. Timeliness: Again, you may have realized this, but I am a terrible procrastinator. I usually get so distracted and off focus that even when I get things done on time, my work is usually very poor because I had to rush to finish it.

5. Thoroughness: Along with being a procrastinator, I tend to start things and never finish them. Books, movies, projects around the house,, rarely do I ever go through with anything. FOr once, I would like to get entirely through a book without setting it down for a week and then picking it back up!

6. Trustworthiness: I am very trustworthy when it comes to secrets and what not, but sometimes I don’t follow up on promises to other people. When someone asks me to do something, or when I join a club or a group, I often lose interest very quickly and give up or walk away before fulfilling my promise (example: i worked out with the softball team for three months freshman year to get ready for the season, and a week before tryouts I decided I didn’t really want to play anymore).

7. Silence: Have you ever been in one of those situations where you’re just talking, and you know you’re not making sense and that everyone else probably thinks you’re an idiot right then, but for some reason you just can’t stop? Yeah, that’s me all the time. My voice gets annoying even to my own ears.

8. Humility: I know I’m not perfect, and I definitely know I’m not an amazing person, but maybe its for that very reason that I live to be praised. Just like any other human, I like it when I’m talking about me, even when no one else wants to hear about me.

9. Intelligence: Ignorance is bliss, but what fun is it when you’re missing out on the world? Being less shallow and more knowledgeable could definitely help my perspective on the world around me.

10. Gratitude: I don’t think I realize how much others help me. Showing appreciation every once in a while might make other people appreciate me a bit as well.

11. Independence: I am already independent emotionally, and mentally (for the most part) but economically not so much. I’d like to prove that I can act like an adult and be responsible.

If you have any suggestions for virtues, or you think one of my virtues sucks, or you think it should be ordered differently, please comment and let me know! Im getting kind of excited to see how this will turn out.

Autumn Is Here!

Can’t you just smell it? It’s the smell of crisp autumn air, hot apple cider, hayrides in the dark, and flickering candles in the windowsill. It’s the feel of comfy fuzzy sweaters, and cold metal on your fingertips. It sounds like a crackling bonfire out in a field, and a crowd cheering in unison in the football stands. It warms even as you’re freezing in your shoes, and lets you slow down enough to see the beauty around you. It is a blanket of familiar, and earmuffs that keep out all the extra static. The leaves are changing- getting ready for the barren sleep that eventually leads to a new spring. It’s both lazy and progressive, calm and excited. As the trees shed the old, I am reminded that I can always leave my past behind, and create a whole new life. With each step down the orange-and-yellow road, I shed my fears and revel in the beauty above me. The beauty of fall, and the happiness it brings.

Here’s a suggestion if you love fall as much as I do: go for a walk. Enjoy the silence that autumn always seems to bring, and try to take in all the hidden beauty it holds. When you return home, sit on the couch with a hot mug of cider, and a relaxing book. If you’re ready for a little music, I’d suggest Robert Plant and Allison Krauss’ award-winning collaboration, Raising Sand.

September 30th, Finally

…and there’s some good news and bad news. First, the good news: I have completed seven of my ten challenges in time and with a considerable amount of success. (1) I have finished 8 of the required 12 classroom driving lessons, and will be starting my in-cars soon; (2) La Libera is fairly thriving, although still not very publicized; (4) I have joined the Human Rights Club at school, and I am a very active member; (5) I will be doing crew for this year’s fall play; (6) I have written a few articles already for my School newspaper; (7) I picked out most of my stuff for the bathroom already and ordered it all from IKEA; (10) I am doing a personal yoga routine along with my regular workout schedule.

Now for the Bad News: I have yet to complete #s 3, 8, and 9. My hope is, however, that I will have completed them within a week! Which means I am adding an extension to the time limit- instead of ending tonight, I will give myself until Friday of next week (October 9). That gives me just enough time to finish everything. Sorry about this procrastination, guys- after all, wasn’t that the very vice I was trying to kick to the curb?

Another Update (Again)

Continuing on my last update:

#5: Well, I didn’t try out. I chickened out. This one is a basic fail, but I suppose perfection isn’t always attainable. Instead, I’ve signed up for crew. I will be running lines with the cast, building sets, helping with wardrobes, and doing whatever else needs done. I’m disappointed in myself, to be honest, but I don’t really regret. I still have next year to try-out, and I’ll most likely get a part as a senior. So, let down, but not at the same time. I look forward to just chillin’ while the cast is trying to learn their lines.

#6: This one was fairly easy for me to accomplish. The paper is written in Journalism class, which I am taking both semesters this year. I have been assigned to the Advice Column, the World News section, and Student Interviews, so I’m pretty much set in this category. I absolutely love the class, though- my favorite one this year!

Water Rights

Well, it’s about a week from the end of the month, and I’m not exactly done yet with the List. However, I’m not not done with the List either. As of last week, I have completed numbers 4, 5, and 6. The explanations I have divided into three separate blogs, to be released over the next few days.

#4: Join the Human Rights Club at school.

I’ve always wanted to get involved with Human rights, mostly because I believe that it is the biggest issue in today’s society. Human rights are the basic needs and necessities that a person needs to live a proper life. These include basic needs like water, food, vaccines, clean environments, and a healthy income. They also include the basic privileges that every human should have: education, freedom, the pursuit of happiness, respect. These needs are readily available for any American, and most other countries, but we tend to forget about those who go without such rights. For most Americans, getting a glass of water is as easy as turning on the faucet in their bathroom. But for certain countries in Africa, for example, clean water is not so readily available. Some are forced to walk for miles just to get one bucket of clear water, a bucket which must last them for the entire day! That makes sanitation and hygiene practically impossible to maintain, and dehydration a common ailment.

I have no clue what that feels like, to have no clean water to drink or cook with. I sometimes even complain when I have to drink tap water because my sister drank all the water bottles! My problems shrink to the size of a pin head in comparison to what others have to deal with. So, to better understand their suffering, I fasted yesterday for 12 hours. From sun up to sun down I ate nothing and drank only water. That doesn’t sound too hard at first- I mean, everyone knows it’s not that big of a deal if you skip breakfast sometimes. But try to imagine going into lunch hungry, and then having to watch other people eat their delicious, hot meals in front of you, while you’re not even allowed to take a bite! Imagine trying to last the rest of the day without an afternoon snack to hold you over, and without a good dinner to look forward to in the evening. I think I slept for two hours after I got home from school, I was so tired form lack of nutrients. And water barely helped- I knew I was hydrated, but my body felt completely empty even after drinking three glasses. I felt like an empty husk which someone had shaken around a little too hard. Headaches, nausea, and hunger pains made me think I was a complete idiot for volunteering to do this! But once I had eaten (around seven in the evening) and regained some small amount of energy to think with, I remembered why I had done it. Because I am a privileged person, with all the rights in the world, and I needed to understand what it felt like to not have those rights anymore. The Human Rights Club at my high school meets again next Thursday- I plan on being there before it starts, ready to offer my experience to any one else who needs to understand.

Sitting in Panera

So as I sit here in Panera, trying to detox from the horror that is high school with a round of iced chai teas and pumpkin muffins, I can’t help but wonder where my life is going. (Don’t make fun- Panera brings out the philosopher in everybody.) My friend has an older sister who recently graduated from high school. She went to Africa for a few months to teach children in Kenya. Not only does this make me feel amazingly jealous, but it also makes me wonder if I will ever have the guts to do something like that. Will I ever do what I want? What if I don’t recognize the opportunity when it comes along? Will that ruin all my chances? So many questions!

I’v also been thinking about The List which unfortunately I have yet to complete. But no worries- I still have a few weeks left! An update will be available soon, I promise.

Another Update

So, thus far in my List CHallenge, I have succeeded in three things:

1. Driving classes (I will be attending number three tonight)

2. Finally taking yoga (sort of)

3. Create the blog that is La Libera!

The last one I’ve actually been working on since before the List was immortalized, but I hadn’t really done anything about it because I only had four reviewed books, and I hadn’t advertised it. However, since then I have added a few more posts, changed the lay-out, and tried brainstorming methods of advertisement. THe latter, however, is still proving problematic. And since I still haven’t come up with any good ideas- I need your help! I have no idea how to properly advertise my blog, so if anyone of the two people who read my blog have any suggestions, feel free to post them at the bottom, or e-mail them to me.

Premonitions of Death

I am extremely proud of myself today. For the sake of The List, as well as for the my own sanity, I attended my first driving lesson today. While it wasn’t necessarily bad, it was necessarily BORING! Two hours of a very kind but very monotonous 76-year-old instructor droning on and on about how likely teenagers are to die in a car-related accident. And why is this so likely? Because we are “stupid drivers” who would rather “twatter on the mobiles” than “pay attention to the damn road”! Not that I disagree entirely, I just find all this doomsday prediction rather frustrating. I mean, if I were being told every single day that I was a bad driver, I definitely think I would get worse! How are we supposed to grow into better drivers when we’re constantly being reprimanded? If I hear one more warning about how I will die simply looking at a railroad crossing, I am going to scream!

So I still have eight challenges to go! But two down is a good start- and it’s not even September for another two hours!